When Your Child Refuses to Practice Piano

The Australian music education researcher Gary McPherson and colleagues followed 157 children who started school instrumental programs at age 7 or 8, beginning before their first lesson. A chapter summarizing this work (McPherson, Davidson and Evans, “Playing an Instrument,” in the second edition of The Child as Musician) contains a passage that is hard for parents to read. In the first months of learning, over 80% of the mothers reported reminding and encouraging their child to practice. But that support tended to drop off toward the end of the first year, which was exactly the hardest stretch, when children were still getting used to their instrument.

The authors also write that some mothers seemed to have given up on their child as a musician much sooner than the child did.

When a child refuses to practice, parents get worn out too. In this post I use that research as a guide to think about what parents can look for and how to respond. I wrote about ways to use the app itself in Practical Tips for Using Kinder Piano Every Day, so here I stay with the parent’s side of the problem.

Refusing is not unusual

According to the same chapter, the interviews included mothers arguing with their children about practice, and children saying practice was boring or that they did not know how to get better. These accounts stood out especially in the interviews with children who had stopped and their parents.

So a day when your child refuses to practice is something that happens in many homes. What matters, I think, is working out the reason when it keeps happening.

Telling the reasons apart

There is more than one reason a child refuses. I find it easier to see what to do when I sort them like this.

• It is too hard. The child always stops at the same spot, and the only feeling left is that it does not work.
• They do not know what to do. “Go practice” does not tell them what to do or when they are finished.
• The timing is wrong. Practice is scheduled when they are tired or want to play something else.
• They hate being told. They are pushing back against being reminded every time, more than against practice itself.
• Their interest is not in piano. There is no piece they want to play, and something else has their attention.

The first four may change if you change what is practiced, when, or how you ask. The last one needs a different way of thinking, I believe.

How to ask

McPherson and colleagues cite research showing that children up to about grade 2 or 3 do not yet see homework as their own responsibility, and need reminders and checking from adults for years. They add that those reminders should support the child’s sense of autonomy rather than come across as controlling or demanding.

They also point to homework research showing that when parents stay positive while helping, children’s motivation is more likely to grow, and suggest this applies to music practice as well.

Here is what I think can be done at home.

• Decide where practice ends. “This piece once,” or “until you can play up to here.” Agree on what counts as finished before starting. I think practice with no end in sight is about the hardest thing for a child.
• Leave some choices. Let the child choose the piece, the order, or the time to start.
• Put what they did into words. Instead of “good job,” try “you stopped less than before,” naming something that changed.
• Be the audience. Rather than supervising practice, you can ask to hear the piece when they are done.

When it is too hard

McPherson and colleagues write that children need help setting reasonable goals that balance their own skill level with the challenge of new pieces.

If your child always stops at the same spot, the piece may be a little too hard for now. Playing one hand only, playing slowly, or going back to an easier piece: I do not think any of these is going backward. Once the feeling of “I played it” comes first, a harder piece becomes something they can face again.

When you think “but you said you wanted to”

The same research found that children who stopped often had unrealistically high expectations, before starting, of how much they would practice. Once lessons began and the reality set in, they practiced far less than the children who continued.

I understand the urge to say “you were the one who wanted this.” But before starting, a child has no way of knowing how hard practice will be. Rather than bringing up the original promise, I think it is better to sit down together and reset how much and what to practice, based on how hard it actually is now.

Quitting is also an option

Sometimes, after trying many things, the interest in piano is just not there. I think stopping is one of the options.

Still, I suggest giving it some time before deciding. McPherson and colleagues also write that children’s initial motivations are not fixed, and that many young learners only develop a lasting wish to continue after extensive experience with music. Take a break from lessons, cut practice way down, or spend a while playing only the pieces they want. These in-between steps are worth trying before quitting.

The same chapter says children should be encouraged and supported, but not forced to learn. Whether they keep going or stop, what I care about more is that they do not come to dislike music.

Making practice lighter

Kinder Piano is a piano app for iPhone and iPad for children from about age 3 to the early years of primary school. I made it for my 4-year-old daughter. The practice screen highlights the next note, shows the finger number, and lights up the key to press.

I built in a few ways to step back when something is too hard. The child can choose to play the melody, the accompaniment, or both hands together, and Slow mode waits until the right key is pressed. Each song earns up to three stars based on accuracy, and stars once earned never go down, so one bad attempt never wipes out the record.

All 21 nursery songs are free, the first classical piece and the first ear training level are free, and free play and MIDI connection are free too. A one-time purchase opens the rest of the classical pieces and every ear training level. There are no ads and no subscription.

When to start is in What Age Should a Child Start Piano?, and listening is in Perfect Pitch and Relative Pitch.